She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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