Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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