I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
