eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
