i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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