when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
