I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
