Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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