My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
