I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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