apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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