I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
