Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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