I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
