you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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