This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
