I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
