You're completely useless in the revolution.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
