Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
