He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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