look no pants
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
