Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
