If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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