Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
