I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
