my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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