I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
