Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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