JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
