the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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