I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
