fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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