I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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