I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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