allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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