Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
