Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
