i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My breasts were aching with rage.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
