My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
