i jhust puked up my retainher.
Is it because I queefed?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize