you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
