No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
