Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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