Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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