Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
