highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
