Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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