Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So vagazzling was a success
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
