We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
