it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
