Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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