I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
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do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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