my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
