u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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