wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
3pm strippers are depressing
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Drake has all the answers
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
