i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
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Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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