Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize